Learned Optimism
What if you could choose the outcome of your circumstances and how you felt as a result? Imagine what your life might look and feel like then…
Now what if we told you that you actually can make this happen – at least to a large degree – by how you reframe your thoughts into beliefs, while feeling more empowered and optimistic as a result.
Even (and especially) when things seem bleak, science shows us that we can learn how to choose optimism and model this for our children. Join us this month as we share more about how to raise resilient children as we practice optimism more in our everyday lives.
Dr. Martin Seligman, dubbed the “Father of Positive Psychology,” has studied how humans learn to either embrace optimism or adopt an attitude of learned helplessness – one of the underlying causes of depression. In his thought-provoking book, The Optimistic Child, Seligman shares that “we can teach our children the skills of a flexible and reality-based optimism.”
If optimism can be learned, where can we begin?
From his studies on learned helplessness, Seligman found that “optimists resisted helplessness and did not give up when faced with unsolvable problems and inescapable noise.”
Optimists recognize that they are always at choice – they understand how their feelings create an internal dialogue that shapes what they choose to believe as truth. Likewise, teaching our children that they are able to choose what they think about and how they respond in a variety of circumstance is vital to fostering optimism at a young age.
“At stake is nothing less than the future of your own offspring and the very existence of the next generation of children, that they might be clear-eyed, forward-looking, and confident,” Seligman champions.
What is the best way to imbue children with a sense of optimism and personal mastery? Here are three steps to raising more optimistic children.
STEP ONE: Start by teaching your child the difference between optimism and pessimism. Practicing optimism is different than merely repeating positive affirmations that can feel fake or empty; rather, teaching children how to have an optimist outlook involves showing them that they have a choice in what they think based on how they feel and modeling resilience.
Also, working with your children (and yourself) to reframe pessimistic thinking is critical to learning how to choose you attitude. Instead of accepting the idea that “I can’t do this!” or “this is too hard,” try sharing positive statements like “I believe you can do hard things” and “I see you trying really hard now” as helpful mantras and acknowledgements. This PBS Kids article shares more about how to start teaching learned optimism to your children (and yourself!).
STEP TWO: Have you ever wondered why two people can experience the exact same circumstances and come out with very different interpretations and perceptions? This is due to your explanatory style, or the way in which you explain your circumstances to yourself. And it is heavily influenced by our background, culture, and the intersectionality of our identities that form various patterns of belief or schemas. Once your child understands the difference between optimism and pessimism, you can start teaching the importance of accurate explanations to life events, which is directly connected to what explanatory style they adopt.
Seligman shares that there are three critical dimensions that form one’s explanatory style: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization. If your child has a tendency toward permanence – a belief that the same outcome will always happen no matter what – they will feel less in control and more easily give away their power and choice, leading to lower levels or resilience. If you can teach and model that situations are often temporary and changeable (impermanence), showing how certain actions and reactions can even shift our circumstances, children begin to regain a sense of agency that leads to empowerment and optimism.
STEP THREE: Now you can apply the ABC Model to help your children identify how their feelings create thoughts that turn into beliefs. Created by Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, Albert Ellis, then expanded upon by Seligman, this model helps us understand how our feelings create an internal dialogue that shapes what we believe is true. When we experience an activating event or adversity (A), our thoughts form beliefs (B) with real consequences (C). Eventually, these long-held beliefs form our habits which shape our character: who others know us to be and what they grow to expect when they interact with us.
The key point with teaching children the ABC Model is to help them learn that how they feel isn’t determined by the things that happen to them. Rather, it’s how they choose to make sense of these circumstances and what they say to themselves to form their beliefs that matters. For example, if your child shares that he feels sad or afraid, there is always some thought or existing belief structure that triggers these feelings. By being able to uncover and unpack these thoughts, we can help our children learn how to change these beliefs that aren’t serving them.
Young children tend to think in a very binary way that appears black and white, either/or, this or that. If children become overwhelmed with guilt and feelings of worthlessness, they can become withdrawn and begin to internalize blame. Moreover, children who are at risk for depression tend to blame themselves when things go wrong, rather than having the ability to consider other contributing factors. The ABC Model helps children learn the simple process for cognitive reframing where they can identify and then challenge their thoughts to reshape how they view their experiences.
Your Turn
While we’ve focused on how to teach optimism from a young age, all of these steps also directly apply to how we are living and leading as adults. When we practice optimistic thinking by reframing our negative thoughts into more accurate beliefs, we form healthier mindsets that are in line with our values, leading to more optimistic outlooks. Take a moment to try this now:
Activating Event/Adversity: What is something that happened to you recently? What immediate thoughts occurred as a result?
Example: I was cut off in traffic when I was already running late. I felt frustrated and angry.
Belief: How did your thoughts shape your beliefs here?
Example: These drivers are terrible! Now I’m going to be late and might get fired!
Consequence: What happens as a result?
Example: I arrive to work feeling overwhelmed, nervous, and full of anxiety.
Now let’s consider what happens when we shift our belief structures by choosing a more optimistic approach. Follow the same example below and then take time to reframe any negative beliefs you noted.
Activating Event/Adversity: What is something that happened to you recently? What immediate thoughts occurred as a result?
Example: I was cut off in traffic when I was already running late. I felt frustrated and angry.
Belief: How did your thoughts shape your beliefs here?
Example: Even though I’m frustrated, I can still be a safe driver and do my best to get there on time.
Consequence: What happens as a result?
Example: I take time on the rest of the drive to focus on what I can control and set goals for my day.
Choosing optimism sets the tone for your entire life. Start by recognizing how your feelings turn into thoughts and shape your beliefs. Then consider how you can reframe any beliefs that are not serving you or those around you. Retire old habits and thought patterns that are no longer serving your purpose. Sometimes, writing these down or taking into a voice recorder or to a trusted friend is helpful to process your thoughts and beliefs.
When you model optimism, your life will feel more positive, healthy, and focused. Begin to make subtle shifts to become the person you would be proud to raise. You are not only modeling ways of being for your children and colleagues, while you are shaping your character daily by the decisions you are making.
